You beasts! But I’m not beaten yet. You’ve won the battle, but I’m about to win the wardrobe. My spotty puppy coat is in plain sight and leaving tracks. In a moment I’ll have what I came for, while all of you will end up as sausage meat, alone on some sad, plastic plate. Dead and medium red. No friends, no family, no pulse. Just slapped between two buns, smothered in onions, with fries on the side. Cruella De Vil has the last laugh!

Well, I can understand how you feel. You worked hard, studying for the spelling bee, and I suppose you feel you let everyone down, and you made a fool of yourself and everything. But did you notice something, Charlie Brown? The world didn’t come to an end.

No. No, you can’t. …STOP! Please don’t go away. Please? No one’s ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave…if you leave… I just, I remember things better with you! I do, look! P. Sherman, forty-two…forty-two… I remember it, I do. It’s there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And…and I look at you, and I…and I’m home! Please…I don’t want that to go away. I don’t want to forget.

The key is to keep turning it to get the smoky flavor niiice You gotta taste this! This is… oh, it’s got this kind of… mmm, it’s burny, it’s melty… it’s not really a smoky taste. It’s kind of like a certain… Pshah! It’s got like this ” Ba-boom! Zap!” kind of taste. Dont you think? What would you call that flavor? … Yeah! It’s lightningy! We gotta do that again! Okay, when the next storm comes, we’ll go up on the roof… I know what this needs! Saffron. A little saffron would make this!

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love’s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon’s keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love’s first kiss. … Like that’s ever gonna happen!

No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. I never pretended to be somebody else. It’s been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look, I didn’t come here to yell at you, okay? I came to tell you I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. I was. But not anymore. And the thing is, I don’t care what people think about me because I believe in myself and I know that things are going to be OK. But even though I have no family, and no job, and no money for college, it’s you that I feel sorry for. … I know that guy that sent those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can’t wait for him because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?

Once upon a time in a faraway land there was a tiny kingdom, peaceful, prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition. Here in a stately chateau there lived a widowed gentleman and his little daughter, Cinderella. Although he was a kind and devoted father, and gave his beloved child every luxury and comfort, still he felt she needed a mother’s care. And so he married again, choosing for his second wife a woman of good family with two daughters just Cinderella’s age, by name, Anastasia and Drisella. It was upon the untimely death of this good man, however, that the step-mother’s true nature was revealed. Cold, cruel, and bitterly jealous of Cinderella’s charm and beauty, she was grimly determined to forward the interests of her own two awkward daughters. Thus as time went by, the chateau fell into disrepair for the family fortunes were squandered upon the vain and selfish step-sisters while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a servant in her own house. And yet, through it all, Cinderella remained ever gentle and kind, for with each dawn she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true.

This is Berk. It’s twelve days north of Hopeless and a few degrees south of Freezing to Death. It’s located solidly on the Meridian of Misery. My village. In a word? Sturdy, and it’s been here for seven generations, but every single building is new. We have fishing, hunting, and a charming view of the sunset. The only problems are the pests. You see, most places have mice or mosquitoes. We have… Dragons! …. This is Berk. It snows nine months out of the year, and hails the other three. What little food grows here is tough and tasteless. The people that grow here, even more so. The only upsides are the pets. While other places have ponies, or parrots… we have dragons.

Everything. Okay! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I played Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog. When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out. But the worst thing I ever done, I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaah and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.

See? Now you respect me, because I’m a threat. That’s the way it works. Turns out, there are a lot of people, whole countries, who want respect, and they will pay through the nose to get it. How do you think I got rich? I invented weapons, and now I have a weapon that only I can defeat, and when I unleash it, I’ll get… you sly dog! You got me monologuing! I can’t believe it. It’s cool, huh? Zero-point energy. I save the best inventions for myself. Am I good enough now? Who’s super now? I’m Syndrome, your nemesis.

I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

I didn’t promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood anyway? Just the dreams I got from sitting through too many double-features. So why did you leave the swamp in the first place? ‘Cause some agent fella said I had talent. Hmm. He probably says that to everybody. On the other hand, if you hadn’t left the swamp, you’d be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. Yeah, but then it would just be me feelin’ miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing — whatever Gonzo is. He’s a little like a turkey. Yeah, a little like a turkey. But not much. No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought ‘em all out here into the middle of nowhere. It’s all my fault. Still… whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember they wanted to come. But that’s because they believed in me. No, they believed in the dream. Well, so do I, but– You do? Yeah! Of course I do. Well then? Well, then…I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me.

Um, it’s stopped raining! I’m really no good at speech-making. Normally I get so nervous that I faint or run away or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn’t need to know that. I’m not so afraid anymore. See, my father helped me. Earlier this evening I had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by telling me it was okay and by supporting me like she has for my entire life. But then I wondered how I’d feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I use the word ‘I’. And probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there’s like seven billion other people out there on the planet, and, sorry, I’m going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other seven billion out there, instead of just me, that’s probably a much better use of my time.

But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you… and you were there. But you couldn’t have been could you? No. Aunt Em, this was a real truly live place and I remember some of it wasn’t very nice, but most of it was beautiful; but just the same. All I kept saying to everybody was I want to go home and they sent me home! Doesn’t anybody believe me? But anyway, Toto, we’re home! Home. And this is my room and you’re all here and I’m not gonna leave here ever. Ever again. Because I love you all. And, oh Auntie Em! There’s no place like home!

Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the Sphinx the Seventh Wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the ape in ape-ricot? What have they got that I ain’t got? Courage! You can say that again!